That's me in the red shirt. This picture became iconic to me on complete accident. When I was in therapy, they asked us to bring in a picture of ourselves. This picture was to be when we were younger, before we started thinking about food and body image and what we looked like.
ANNNNNND I forgot to brig one. But we were allowed to email one. So on my way to therapy I jumped on facebook to see if I could find any young pictures of me. This was the first one that popped up so BAM. It was emailed and printed out for me.
That day in therapy we were asked to write a list of things we tell ourselves- our internal dialogue. Mine looked a little like this
-You're too fat
-You're groos
-No one could love you
and on and on and on the lies our eating disorders tell.
And then we were given our pictures. We were told to say that stuff on the list to the little girl in the picture. Damn I lost it y'all,
This exercise really hit me hard, and it is something I keep in my toolbox to this day. When I feel guilty about going to get ice cream, I ask myself, "Would I tell 5 year old me that she couldn't have ice cream cause then she'd be fat?". Hell no. When I feel like I look gross and unlovable, I ask myself "Would I say that to 5 year old me and ruin that sparkle in her eyes?". Hell no.
When I look at this picture, I think of the lies my eating disorder tells me. I never, in a million years, could tell that little girl in the picture that no matter what she accomplished or who she became the only thing that would ever matter is her size.
And she's still in there. She's still part of me. So why do I let myself tell me that now?