un{ED}ited

Three and a half years ago, I met the most amazing man. And we started dating and eventually got married. But little did he know, I was already in a relationship with another man- someone he would never run into, someone he could never even have a conversation with, but someone who would negatively affect our relationship over the course of the next 3 years….

 

There once was a 12-year-old girl. She was full of life, smiles, laughs, and sparkles. And in the blink of an eye, her life was turned upside down. Everything was completely out of her control. She didn’t know what to do, or where to go, or who to turn to, but she needed to stop the pain. So he introduced himself. He told her to get on the treadmill and run, and everything would disappear into the background. So she got up before school and ran. And he was right! It all disappeared with every step. But her legs began to hurt that day.

 

That little girl got a little bit older and was a cheerleader in high school. But when she was told she was too fat to be a flyer, even though she was underweight for her height, he told her that her worth was in her size. And when people called her the skinny sister, she realized he was right again. But her identity grew smaller that day.

 

Then she went off to college and school was overwhelming. Homework and work consumed her life and she started to feel like she had no control. He told her that counting calories would help. So she began counting, and felt like for the first time since she was 12, she got some sense of control back. But her brain had less room for important things, and begin to hurt that day.

 

And then she began to have trouble with a boyfriend and a best friend. She had already pushed away her family and felt so alone. She felt so worthless. But he was there. She was not alone. And he offered a solution. She picked up a razor, and that day, her stomach began to hurt.

 

But she made it through, and soon she graduated college. She met a wonderful guy and they started dating. But she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life. She didn’t know which way to go or who she was. But he was there, and he could fix it yet again. “Dieting and exercise helped in the past”, he reminded her. He’s been right every time thus far. So she trusted him. Exercise was no longer an option. It needed to happen. Running, weightlifting, and pushing herself past her limits, her arms grew tired that day.

 

But she saw results, so he told her to cut out fast food, then fried food, then entire food groups. Meals got smaller, but so did she. Anxiety grew around food, until one day she told her fiancé she didn’t want to go out that night, she wanted to stay in. It reduced the anxiety, but her heart grew smaller that day.

 

After she got married, she and her husband decided to take an adventure and move to Nashville. She loved the city and wanted to be happy about this new chapter. But her entire body hurt, her identity was gone, and her heart had gotten small enough that there was no room left for the people she loved. As she laid on the floor of her new apartment, sobbing, she decided that something had to change. She had listened to his lies and taken his abuse for too long. And now she was shattered, the pieces of her lying on the ground, and she had no idea how to put them back together again…

 

Before I came to Renfrew, I thought piecing myself back together again was impossible. And in fact I was terrified of it. What if I didn’t like what I saw once I was whole again? But each of the 13 weeks I have spent here, I picked up another piece. And remembered. Remembered what it was like to not have him in my head, planning my every move, tearing me down, and destroying me, literally and figuratively. And I still have a lot of pieces to pick up before I’m whole again, but I’m much less afraid of what I will see once I find them. And who knows? Maybe I’ll create some new pieces on the way.

 

One year ago, I stood in front of my family and friends and God, and vowed my love and commitment to the man I love. Today, I am making vows to the one whom I hate, who has been in my life for far too long.

 

Ed,

 

Today I walk away from you. Today I chose to defy you. And today, I vow to cherish my true self all the days of my life. I promise to try to say no to you in every challenge that life throws at me, and when it’s hard to say no or when I give in, because I might, I promise to turn to a support person, for there is nothing we cannot face if we stand together, especially you. I will dream big, celebrate the little things, and laugh without you. I promise to allow myself to fail, and to try to reappraise any judgements I have, because unlike what you have always told me, perfect does not exist. I promise to remind myself that my worth is not in my size, that I am funny, and smart, and compassionate, and a great big sister. And my size cannot touch any of those things. I promise to continue to discover myself, because with every piece I find, I will need you less. And I promise, that one day, no matter how far off it may be, I will not need you at all. I owe it to myself to rid myself of you. I will no longer be abused, manipulated, and lied to by you, because even when I believe you, I now have the tools and the support to fight you. And I vow to fight, every day, because even though I may not know much about myself, that’s one thing I for sure know about myself right now- that I’m a fighter. So watch out.