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Anorexia

I'll never forget when I first started treatment. I honestly had no clue that I had any type of eating disorder. Only a few weeks before I started treatment did I even realize I had anxiety that seemed to revolve around food. I was still eating. Didn't people with actual eating disorders starve themselves by not eating at all??

It was hard to accept that I had an eating disorder. What was harder was after the first week when I had to sign my treatment plan- the treatment plan that stated my diagnosis was anorexia.

Anorexia was a bad word to me. It was something I didn't- no couldn't- have. A year and a half later, I still say I'm in recovery from an eating disorder. While that is true, I feel like part of the reason it is hard to heal is because I cannot accept who I was/am. An anorexic.

It's not a bad word. It doesn't make me bad. Yes- it is a bad illness, and a dangerous one at that. BUT that does not make me bad. That does not make me less than because I had a mental illness.

So I'm working on it. On twitter, I've started using the # anorexia. I wrote this blog post. I still don't know that I can say that word out loud yet, but hey typing it is a start. I want to be able to accept myself. I do not need to be ashamed that I am was anorexic. I do not need to be ashamed that 1 1/2 later, I still have anorexic thoughts and urges and I'm not perfect healed.

But I am healing. And I am accepting. And I am growing.


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