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Stop "Should-ing" on Yourself

In the last 3 weeks, a lot has happened in my life. I bought a house, moved across the country, and started a new job. With all these changes, it allows space for my brain telling me what I "should" be doing. I also think this happens to many of us during the holiday season. The pastor at my church this weekend lead a great sermon about how this time of year we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be happy. We "should" be happy around Christmas time. It "should" be the most wonderful time of the year. We "should" buy the best present and make the best cookies and decorate the best tree and have the best Christmas lights and donate to the right charities and attend the right Christmas parties and eat healthy and eat every ones cooking and on and on until we explode. I have been feeling super overwhelmed lately and it wasn't until today that I realized it is because I won't stop "should-ing" on myself.

What does "should-ing" on yourself look like? This week for me it looks a little something like this: "I should not be overwhelmed about working full time again. Every one does it" "I should have a cleaner house" "I should spend more time decorating instead of leaving things in boxes" " I should be working out more" "I should have more money to decorate the house so it looks nicer" "I should have worked harder so we wouldn't be struggling with money now" "I shouldn't eat out" "I shouldn't feel sick, I was just sick over Thanksgiving" "I shouldn't feel so tired, I need to get more done" "I should be doing more self care"

Now why is "should-ing" on yourself hurtful? It plays right into what ED is telling you- that you are not, and will never be good enough. It implies that we are less than- that we can't measure up. It implies that where we are at today is wrong and that we need to do more to make it better. And this can lead to a diminishment of what is important in life. A big one for me is that the house "should" be spotless. In the depths of my ED, a clean house was so important to me that I used to skip out on hanging out with my husband and friends to make sure that you could eat off the floors. I've since learned that the value of hanging out with my husband is wayyyy more important than spending all my time cleaning, and that if the house isn't perfect one day, nobody dies. But that sucker still creeps in sometimes (see above crazy rant of "shoulds")

So how do we fight the shoulds? Replace them with coulds AS SOON as you think a should. Instead of "I should have a cleaner house" say "I could have a cleaner house, but then I wouldn't have time to hang out with (important person in your life)" or instead of "I shouldn't eat out" you can say "I could eat out and I won't die and I'll get to enjoy a meal and nourish my body". This take a HECK OF A LOT of practice. But once you start paying attention, you'll realize how much you should on yourself. And should-ing on yourself just plain sucks.


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