Yesterday was my last session with my therapist since I am moving in a little over a week. It was a great time to reflect on the progress I have made and where I should go next.
Let's start with the positives!
This reflection was one of the first times where I felt like I have actually made a considerable amount of progress towards my recovery. Some areas I have noticed progress in:
Setting healthy boundaries
Realizing I am POWERFUL and using that power to change what I can
Realizing there are things that I can't control and are not in my power to change
Trying to live the mantra "Don't worry until I have to worry"
Being more comfortable being myself
Being able to eat a variety of foods and not always choosing the "healthy"option
Accepting the weight I am at
And all of that sounds absolutely wonderful. And is is SUCH a huge difference from where I was at 17 months ago. It makes me feel well on my way to recovery. But why do I still feel like I have an ED? Why do I not feel "recovered"?
Where do I go next?
Thinking about this made me realize there is still a pretty big part of ED that I have yet to let go of. I can now eat more variety and even accept the weight I am. But I am absolutely TERRIFIED of gaining any more weight. I do not want to gain an ounce. It scares me. And that in turn gives me guilt feeling when eating certain foods. Now granted I am much better about turning off these guilt feelings now, but they still pop up often and I know it is because I cannot let go of this fear of gaining weight. Which I need to do in order for myself to feel recovered, and because the reality is that I will not stay this weight for the rest of my life on Earth, ESPECIALLY because I one day want to start a family.
I have made great progress in the last 17 months, but I'm still not where I want to be. So I am practicing being ok with that. I also have no idea what to do to start letting go of this piece of ED that I still have, but I know one day I will have to. And it will hurt because it is a part of me. But it will hurt more holding onto it forever.
And lastly I wanted to leave you with a poem my therapist read me on my last day with her.
