Before I started treatment, I knew there was food I stayed away from, anything I (or more accurately ED) considered "bad". I never really considered myself afraid of those foods so when I first heard the term fear foods in treatment, I thought it was kind of silly. Until the end of my first week of treatment when they served chips with lunch. No matter how hard I tried or how much the therapist at the lunch table tried to talk me down, I could not make myself take a bite of these chips. That's when I realized not only was I afraid of these foods, I was terrified.
Now personally I think (know) society mongers fear of certain foods with diets, "clean" eating, healthy lifestyles, lose weight fast schemes, etc. But that's a whole other blog post. There are certain foods that most people that have EDs are afraid of. But each eating disorder is different, therefore fear foods for each person are different, and ALWAYS irrational.
When I was further along in my treatment, my treatment team had me create a food hierarchy and I worked through them 1 (or 2) at a time till my list was completed. At the top of my list was things I was most afraid of. At the bottom of my list was scary foods that weren't debilitating. And I worked my way up from the bottom, which helped me gain confidence before I stepped up to the really tough guys.
Number 1 on my list was a frappuccino from Starbucks. I literally could not even imagine this one. My heart would beat so fast when I even thought about ordering one, much less drinking one. Eventually, I worked my way up to the top and I did it! And it was HARD. I felt like shit afterwards. I hated myself. But I did it. And I didn't gain a million pounds overnight just from drinking it.
Now fast forward to a couple weeks ago, almost a year after I had that first frappuccino. I was pretty tired and thought a caffeinated beverage might help. I drove past a Starbucks and saw a sign for their seasonal frappucinos. Instead of being afraid and wishing I could have one but telling myself it is a waste of calories like my old eating disordered self, I realized that I didn't really want one because it didn't sound that good. It was in that moment that I came to a huge realization. Fear foods are fear foods for no reason other than you will not allow yourself to have them. So then it scares you to even think about having them. When you allow yourself to eat whatever you want, sometimes you won't even end up liking the fear food that much!! I rarely order frappuccinos anymore, not because I can't, but because I don't really like the taste of them (besides the whipped cream, I could eat pounds of whipped cream but that's not the point). This happened with a lot of fear foods on my list.
Our biggest fear is that we won't stop eating these delicious (or what we assume are delicious) treats once we start. And with a couple fear foods on my list, this happened at first. When I first bought poptarts, I went poptart crazy and ate them every morning for like a month straight. But then the novelty wore off and now I have a box of poptarts in my cupboard and I eat a pack once every couple weeks.
The fact of the matter is, depriving ourselves of something only makes us want it more. When's the last time you actually had one of your fear foods? Because you might not actually like it (like me and frappuccinos). Or maybe you will like it. A lot. And that's ok too!! Because once you allow yourself to eat it, you are not going to eat it for every meal, every day. I promise. Don't let food control you. Don't let a stupid bag of chips determine your worth. Look your fear food right in the eye and say "I no longer give you the ability to make me feel bad about myself. I will eat you whenever I want". EVERYTHING is fine in moderation. Do not limit your food intake. Enjoy what you want, when you want, and I promise you will see amazing changes in your life. Plus, every fear food you eat makes ED weaker, so suck it ED.
