Hold on to hope if you got it

Music has definitely helped me get through most every thing in my life, eating disorder not excluded. There's been plenty of songs that have helped me through hard times in treatment and recovery, but one song in particular has really stood out to me the lately. The song is called 26 by Paramore. Not usually a Paramore fan but my husband is crazy about them and sent me this song shortly before I turned 26, because it was called 26. Little did he know that most of the lyrics perfectly described how I felt in an eating disorder.

I'm going break down some of the lyrics into how they apply to me and my eating disorder. So let's get to it!

"Man, you really know how to get someone down. Everything was fine until you came around"

Pretty obvious, but stepping outside of my eating disorder and into recovery I realize how much this illness brought me down. I was no fun to be around anymore. I was miserable. I was stuck in my head. I remember having conversations with people and then realizing later I couldn't recall one thing we talked about. I remember spending a full day with my husband, only to feel like I missed him at the end of the day because I was not at all present the entire time I was there. I had no energy. I had no fun. I was a shell of a person going through the movements day after day.

"Hold on to hope if you got it. Don't let it go for nobody. They say that dreaming is free, but I wouldn't care what it cost me"

This is the chorus of the song, and every time I hear it I get more and more attached to these lyrics. Not only are they beautiful, but they beautifully describe my experience with recovery. Recovery is fucking hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's harder than having an eating disorder. But once you get through to the other side, life starts to be beautiful again. And you absolutely, positively have to hold on to that hope when you are in your worst days. When you've eaten that meal you didn't want to and hate yourself for it and really, truly wish that you wouldn't wake up the next morning because you'd rather be dead than have to go through another day of this. You have to hold on to hope, no matter how small it is. Please, don't let it go for nobody- especially ED. The next 2 lines really touch my heart. Dreaming is free- but not to those of us in the holds of an eating disorder. You need to not care what it costs you, because recovery will cost you your sanity for a little bit. You will feel crazy in recovery. You will feel like a child. You will feel like you cannot think straight. Recovery is the hardest thing you will do. But then one day you will wake up and be able to dream. Your head won't be full of calories, and weight, and grams of fat, and ED. You'll have room. It is worth the price you pay.

"You got me tied up but I stay close to the window and I talk to myself about the places that I used to go. I'm hoping someday maybe I'll just float away and I'll forget every cynical thing you say"

When I was in my eating disorder, I definitely felt tied up. I couldn't eat what I wanted, go where I wanted if food was involved, I didn't have the energy to do things I wanted to do. I always felt like I was so close to every thing happening, but I was just watching every thing go by without ever being a part of it. Like I was watching life through a window. Always, always hoping that maybe one day it would just end, and I wouldn't have to listen to that awful, critical, cynical voice in my head.

"Reality will break your heart. Survival will not be the hardest part. It's keeping all your hopes alive when all the rest of you has died"

This hits the nail on the head as far a recovery goes for me. First off, I had this false notion that when I was recovered, the world would just be great and peachy. But guess what? Life still sucks. Reality sucks (that's why you used ED to stay out of it for so long). Reality will break your heart (BUT YOU WILL BE OK. YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT). Surviving life is not the hardest part. You are surviving in your eating disorder, even if barely. You are still alive and going through the motions and making it day by day. The hardest part is finding that hope. Finding that little piece of hope that you can recover and life can get better, even when the rest of you has died. Even when you are literally killing yourself with your actions.

The great news is there is hope! If you need proof, I'm living, breathing proof. I'm not recovered yet. But I'm past the point in recovery where I sat crying in my bed asking my husband "How do normal people feel sad? It hurts so bad!". I'm past the point where after I eat a fear food I legitimately pray not to wake up in the morning. I'm to the point where I don't have ED in my head all day and I promise you, you can get there too.

Hold on to hope.

Peace and love<3