When I first started treatment, I thought body acceptance meant being in love with your body. And when you have an actual hatred and disgust for your body, that seems a long ways off. Lately, I've noticed that after taking a picture or looking in the mirror, I think "I don't hate my body today. It's all right."
And to me, that is body acceptance, and a HUGE deal. It feels like a million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. So I began to think, What exactly led to me reaching this point? What helped? So here it is.
1. Social Media
Before treatment, I was on Facebook and Instagram all day. On Instagram, I followed every Victoria Secret model. I remember one instance in particular, as I was scrolling through Instagram, my husband was talking about dinner. He asked if I wanted to get burgers. I shoved the phone in his face and said "Do you think SHE eats burgers? No way." After only a few days in treatment, I decided to get rid of my Instagram and Facebook. It was the best thing I've ever done, and I honestly do not miss either one of them at all. Besides the obvious comparisons to Instagram models, I realized that on Facebook, I was comparing my life to every one else's. If someone posted a "clean meal" they cooked, I was upset with myself for not eating 100% clean that day. If someone posted a picture of them at the gym, I hated myself for not going harder at the gym that day. If someone posted it was their "cheat day", I decided I could do better and NEVER have a cheat day. And jesus christ the whole Paleo diet craze made me literally crazy. Today I still use snapchat, because it's fun and I feel like people use it much less to brag about their diets or gym conquests, but if they do all I have to do is click the picture and it's gone. If you can't entirely get rid of social media, at least stop following those Instagram models, and start following friends and body positivity and cute puppies only. And if someone in particular is making you feel bad on Facebook, UNFOLLOW them or HIDE their posts. Don't continue to subject yourself to that abuse. And always remember: Don't compare your every day life to someone else's highlight reel.
2. Change the way you talk to yourself
Now I know every one has heard of affirmations and saying nice things about your body. But let me tell you something. When you absolutely hate your body, THIS WILL NOT WORK. Especially if you are in the place of weight restoration during recovery. These nice things did NOTHING to validate my thoughts. So instead of thinking "You are fat" and then telling myself "No you are not" when I thought "You are fat", I started telling myself "Yes, you are bigger than you were before. But that doesn't make you fat. It's ok to feel bigger, because you are. But you are healthy and you will get used to this size" Acknowledging to myself that I was bigger so it was NORMAL to feel fat really made a difference.
3. Change the way those close to you talk about yourself
This one takes patience. And a lot of time. But if you have someone close to you that responds to your comments about yourself in a way that isn't helpful, SPEAK UP. And you may have to remind them 5 million times, but it will be worth it. I promise. Here's my real life example: So my husband used to comment back to two things I said that was loving and understandable, but did not fucking help me. When I felt fat, I would say "I feel fat today" and he would respond "You are not fat" and when I felt that I ate too much I would say "Ugh I ate too much" and he would say "No such thing as eating too much". Now, I get where he was coming from and he didn't mean to drive me crazy but I felt so unvalidated. So I told him (probably close to 5 million times) that when I make those comments, they are true for me so its invalidating. I asked him to say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's ok- it happens". AND FINALLY one day he remembered to say it and it literally changed my whole life and helped so much more.
4. Put reminders up that recovery is worth it.
I have two quotes in particular hanging up in my house to remind myself why I am recovering.
First, on the mirror I have " The numbers on the scale start getting smaller, but so do the number of smiles you will have, and the number of years you are going to live, and the number of late night conversations you will have, and the number of dogs you are going to pet, and the number of holidays you will celebrate, and the number of books you are going to read, and the number of people you are going to meet, and the number of times you are going to be able to write, and the number of times you actually feel like you are alive"
And on the fridge I have "I do not need to justify eating. I do not get to decide if I've done anything to deserve it.There will never be a reason I don't deserve it. I am human. I need to eat. It is a basic human need and there is no debating that I need to eat"
5. Let go of the one thing you are holding on to
So up until recently, my dietician still weighed me at every meeting. Although I didn't know my weight, I HAD to have her know it, despite her advising time and time against it. My weight was pretty stable until one week I went and it was up enough (I still don't know how much) that she told me there was a slight upward trend. And this ruined me. I tailspinned into eating disorder behaviors and had no desire to recover and every desire to go back to ED. So I went to see my dietician 2 weeks later and she refused to weigh me. And we talked about what holding on to that little piece did for me. And ever since she stopped weighing me, I can honestly say that I don't worry about trying to stay the exact same weight from week to week. Instead, I listen to my hunger and fullness cues and I trust them and I take comfort in knowing that I will know if I gain too much weight by realizing my clothes are tighter, and then I can reevaluate my meal plan and eating habits with my dietician. But if my clothes still fit, then I am doing fine. I do not need a scale to tell me that any more.