The Many Faces of Lex

When I first entered treatment, I believed that all the thoughts in my head were mine, and therefore all true. Then I was introduced to the book Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer (If you have not read this book yet, I HIGHLY recommend it). In it, Jenni introduces this idea that Ed (your eating disorder) is separate from you. That you are not your eating disorder. That your eating disorder thoughts are not your thoughts, and those thoughts very often conflict with your own personal values. Separating Ed from myself was really essential to my recovery. Thus, I introduce the first "face" of Lex, Ed.

Meet Ed.

Catchphrase: "You're worth is in your size"

What Ed wants: To be worthy of love and attention.

Ed is the only one of my voices who has two looks for me. In the beginning of my eating disorder treatment especially, and still sometimes when Ed is particularly persuasive or tricky, he looks like the first image to me. Very professional and has his shit together. How could you not listen to that? Ed thoughts are any negative thoughts I have about eating or my size. For example, Ed tells me I should count calories, eat less, that my stomach is huge, that no one will love a fatty, and that I am repulsive. He's not very nice. The further along I get in my recovery, the more I see Ed like the second picture. A fat nasty slob barking orders from the couch while he stuffs his face. I see Ed as an abusive, manipulative man that I no longer need in my life. And the harder I work at recovery, the more quiet Ed becomes.

So when I first started treatment, I thought that was it. There was me and Ed in my head, and it was a constant battle. Then my therapist introduced the idea that there is more than that. She had me go through my thoughts and name them, describe what they look like, what their catchphrases are, and what they want from me. And as crazy as it sounded (and still sounds sometimes!) it was very, very helpful to do this. Introducing the rest of the many faces of Lex....

Meet The Perfectionist.

Catchphrase: "It's not worth doing if it's not done perfectly"

What she wants: To be perfect so she cannot get in trouble for doing anything wrong.

The Perfectionist is one of the voices that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. She wanted me to get the best grades in school. All A's was not good enough. I had to have the highest grades in the class. Anything less than 100% was failing. She has to have the cleanest house. Be the best daughter. Be the best employee- coming in early, leaving late, never EVER taking a day off, and saying yes to anything anyone asked of her. The perfectionist hit full force and consumed my life even more so when I got married. She wanted me to be the perfect wife- always cooking and cleaning and trying my hardest to never fight, even when I disagreed. She destroyed me, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to her standards. There was no rest, just always doing the next thing. And she also took away any hobbies I might have, because like she always says "It's not worth doing if it's not done perfectly". I was afraid to try anything new. She also teamed up with Ed quite easily, because if every thing needs to be perfect, so should your body.

The Perfectionist is still a voice that can get me pretty down on myself sometimes. But I'm learning to relax and use those perfectionistic traits in a more positive way. Maybe "perfect" is just doing my best.

Meet The Critic.

Catchphrase "WRONG"

What she wants: To always be right

The Critic is my least favorite character. She's a bitch. No matter what I do, it's wrong. She was a great teammate with Ed at first. Telling me that eating anything "bad" was wrong and that my workouts weren't enough and that I was still eating too much. And then I started to disobey Ed, and she had more than one outlet to tell me I was wrong. If I looked at a bowl of ice cream, she would tell me eating it was wrong because it was "bad". But if I chose NOT to eat it, that was wrong to because I was just listening to Ed and not trying to get better. If I wanted to take a nap it was wrong because I should be more productive. If I chose to do something productive instead of nap, it was wrong because I wasn't taking care of myself. I could never fucking win with her.

She's been a lot less of a problem in my life, because when you realize you can't win with a person, you stop trying to please them. And that's what I've done.

Meet Anna (aka the "rationale mind")

Catchphrase: "That could be true, AND...."

What she wants: To rationalize the crazy thoughts

The rationale mind didn't come until therapy for my eating disorder started (although I imagine it was always there somewhere). Anna was my biggest combatant towards Ed (and still is) and really any negative thought that pops into my mind. I used to grab a thought, hold onto it, and believe it to be true for eternity. But Anna changed that with her catchphrase. For example, Ed would throw out a "If you eat those french fries, you're going to gain so much weight".

And Anna would come in with "Well, that could be true AND it could also be true that eating french fries gives you carbohydrates you need for energy and one meal scientifically cannot make you fatter". Anna was a saving grace, because at first especially, I was not willing to let go of my thoughts. With Anna, I didn't have to let go, but could imagine another truth. And slowly I begin to realize that Ed, and The Perfectionist, and The Critic may not be alll knowing and might actually be fucking crazy.

Meet 16 year old Lex.

Catchphrase "Fuck you all"

What she wants: To have fun

16 year old Lex is one of my favorite parts of me. She's the teenager I never got to be. She doesn't give a shit about what any one else says. She likes to play and be silly. She likes to pout and stomp her feet when things don't go her way. And she LOVES to be overly dramatic. She's sassy and spunky. She used to shout and scream behind all the other many faces of Lex, trying to get out, but was blocked by all the others. With the help of Anna, she had more space to come out and is a part of me that I really embrace today. As my husband says, I now often have my "sassy pants" on (:

Meet Compassion.

Catchphrase "You are good enough just the way you are"

What she wants: Compassion for MYSELF, not just others.

I purposefully made Compassion smaller than the rest. Compassion for myself was basically non existent when I started this process. But now it's slowly growing and being able to be heard. I've always had a great amount of passion for others, but never for myself. I am starting to learn to give myself grace, that I am human and I am not perfect and I will make mistakes, and that is OK. The more Compassion grows, the more I am able to combat The Perfectionist and The Critic.

Meet Hippie Lex.

Catchphrase: "It's all good"

What she wants: Happiness

Hippie Lex is another one of my favorites. I didn't really know she even existed until recently. Once Ed, The Perfectionist, and The Critic got smaller, Hippie Lex stepped out. Hippie Lex is very laid back and go with the flow (something I have NEVER been before). She realizes that she cannot control every thing, so she doesn't worry about things she can't control. A recent example of Hippie Lex. Over fourth of July, I had my phone stolen. My husband and I looked at lost and found at the hotel we were staying and they did not have it. Hippie Lex said "Oh well, I can't get it back, there is no possible way I can control this. It sucks, but I will just get a new one when we get back. It's just a phone." In comparison, last year (ironically the weekend after the fourth of July) I left my phone in an airport on the way home from a wedding. I spent hours on the phone with the airport, could not give up the thought that there was something I could do to get it back, and cried for hours on end on crowded planes and in crowded airports.

So those are the many "faces" of Lex. It's a crazy world in my brain, but identifying my thoughts in this way has been extremely helpful. And hey, it makes the crazy world in there a little bit more fun.

Peace and Love,

Lex