I used to be her...

(taken June 2016, one month before entering treatment)

I used to envy her.

I used to envy her size.

I used to envy the way her clothes hung of off her.

I used to envy the emptiness behind her eyes.

I used to envy her "will power".

I used to envy her ability to isolate from the world.

I used to envy her ability to shut off her emotions.

I used to envy the way she could exercise, even when there was nothing left.

I used to envy her control.

I used to envy the way she barely took up space.

I used to envy the way she was disappearing.

I used to envy the way she felt worthy.

I used to be her.

Now I pity her size, for she couldn't have children at that size.

Now I pity the way her clothes hung off of her, for she didn't look like a woman at that size.

Now I pity the empiness behind her eyes, for there's so much more to being a shell.

Now I pity her "willpower, for even if society says M&M's are "unhealthy", she likes them dammit, and deserves to have them.

Now I pity her ability to isolate from the world, for there is power is friendships.

Now I pity her ability to shut off her emotions, for without them, there is no joy

Now I pity the way she could exercise, because her heart was deteriorating along with every other muscle in her body.

Now I pity her control, for it was ED that was really in control of her

Now I pity the way she barely took up space, for she deserves to take up space on this earth.

Now I pity the way she was disappearing, for she has an important voice that needs to be heard.

Now I pity the way she felt worthy, because she is worth SO much more than her size.

I used to be her, and now I am so much more.

(Taken October 2016, 1 week after being discharged from treatment- moments before I celebrated fall by pouring cider into my mouth straight from a jug)